Guilt and fear

There are many "ties that bind" in my life but one of the ties that seems to bind tightest is guilt. I seem to be constantly wracked by guilt. At home and at work, guilt seems to constantly dog my every step.

The smartest thing for me to do in my current job is resign. I need to pack up my books, close down my computer and leave school. I need a break, I need a period of rejuvenation, I need to get away, but I can't. Why not? Well my contract lets me give notice, I have a few pounds in the bank and I could survive a sabbatical year, but I suspect I won't and the reason is guilt. I feel guilty about just giving up. I believe that the school would not cope without me. I believe that my family would not cope without my salary. I feel guilty that I have let myself down. I feel guilty that I have let the memory of my deceased father down. If I spend long enough thinking about it I probably believe I'd be letting my dog down.

I suppose that guilt is also coupled to fear. I fear failure. I fear the loss of respect, from others and myself. What I find particularly worrisome is I find that my whole feeling of self-worth is tied up in the job that I do and the acknowledgement I get from others. I fear the prospect of being seen. 

I'd like to think that I don't care what other people think. But I do. I like my position. I like the authority I have. I don't want to be a failure, a broken man, someone whose name is uttered in hushed tones as the loony who jacked it in. It bothers me. It makes me feel guilty. 

I also genuinely don't want to let people down. I like my colleagues. I like the children. I like to think I do a good job and as a result do something to improve outcomes for everyone in the school.

The number of triggers I encounter would be significantly reduced if I just walked away. But what I need is courage. 

Those are my thoughts today. No doubt more to come.

Keep sane!